An inside look at how the “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook group impacts the dating lives of women in New York City.
The man you've been seeing for several months checks all the boxes: he is a professional, has offered to pay for all your dates, and you’ve already met his friends. Out of curiosity, you decide to turn to an online group of women in New York City to confirm that this man is as wonderful as you think. These days, you can never be too sure, right? Suddenly, you’re flooded with warnings about the man you once believed was the one.
In March of 2022, the “Are We Dating the Same Guy? | New York City NYC” Facebook group was created as a safe space for the women of New York City who date men to discover if their romantic prospects are seeing other people.
It is very common for single women to inquire about a potential suitor’s dating history, whether it’s through background checks or lengthy Google searches. Social media stalking—both an effective research method and guilty pleasure—leads many down the rabbit hole of scrolling through someone’s Instagram all the way to 2014 or viewing their latest job promotion on LinkedIn. Online daters relate to wanting to know more about the person behind their screen. This Facebook group is the latest and greatest method for women to gain access to information about a guy within just a few moments.
Members use this page to warn others about toxic men or to see if there’s any "tea” on the men they’re planning to go out with. The majority of the posts are anonymous, as most members tend to share specific details and information about their past experiences. With almost 90,000 members, crossovers are inevitable.
NYC dater Madeline Richter, 26, also known as @queenrichter on TikTok, has opened up about her experience with “Are We Dating the Same Guy” online. In one of her TikToks she states, “I already found out that two guys I was kind of talking to on Hinge are severely dating multiple other women...Girls will also post creepy men on dating apps that you can stay away from, like automatic red flags...And it’s honestly just good entertainment.” She and many others believe this group is essential for all single women in the city. It can definitely prevent any unwanted disasters.
Another member, 20-year-old Lexi Coger, believes that women in both serious relationships and casual flings can benefit from seeing these posts as well. “It’s hard, especially if it’s someone you consider to be serious. But the truth hurts,” she says when discussing the possibility of learning about a man’s shady past.
“Also, if you’re not serious with the guy you’re seeing, I almost think it’s fun to chat with girls and compare how he acted with you both,” adds Lexi. This page is all about what you want to make of it.
With never-ending posts about “red flags,” cheaters, frauds, and catfishes, have women officially lost all hope that there are any decent men left to date? In a city of millions of people, why does every man seem to have a past or connection to another woman?
Jordan, 23, had a friend post on her behalf asking if anyone in the group knew the man she was seeing. Unfortunately, this post fell into the hands of this man she now wants to avoid. “His friend actually found the post, which then, in turn, exposed me,” says Jordan. While this page has grown a supportive community of women, there is always the slight chance that posts will escape the private group.
Although her identity was revealed, Jordan still uncovered this man’s shocking reputation as a mass manipulator and cheater through other women’s comments. Jordan opens up, “While I was definitely happy I found out sooner rather than later, I felt weird personally knowing about a person’s skeletons in their closet before I could even get to know any real, good parts of them.”
She brings up a valid point. Learning about someone’s past before getting to know them may taint the growth of a new relationship. She continues, “I’m not defending any man that’s spoken about negatively on that page. I have no doubt that those women are valid 100%, but a lot of it is very circumstantial.” Digging too far can cloud your judgment of a new person who may be looking for a fresh start.
Before investing time in someone, women now have the option to learn if a new romantic relationship is worth their time. Or if it’s time to say goodbye to their current “situationship.” As the New York City group continues to grow, many other major cities, including Chicago, Miami, and London, also have a dedicated “Are We Dating the Same Guy” group. It’s a space where they can express their concerns, frustrations, and experiences with the men in their lives. As Lexi puts it, a community like this “gives women peace of mind.”